SIX GENERATIONS OF FIRST BORN WOMEN: TRADE OFFS, WILL LIFE BE BETTER HERE OR THERE?

Two young men came to look at the room last night. My current renter, George, will be moving out by the first of March. I want to get a new person signed up before we leave for Friedrichshof next Saturday. These two were a study in contrasts. One so nervous, repressed and twitchy - he seemed barely able to hold himself upright. The other, self assured, firm handshake, straightforward, independent, his name was Carlos, a computer science major from Northeastern. (of course history has proven that Carlos, the confident "nice guy" is the more likely to be a serial killer, but I'll take the risk).

After they left, Robin came over for dinner. Good food, good drink, good talk, good sex, what more could you ask? There is discussion about my pending trip, the possibilities that this will not be just a visit, but could turn to something more permanent. He doesn't think that will happen. He doesn't want to think about it. He asks why I "Want to be a better person".

I tell him "The better I am at handling my relationships, the more enjoyment I'll get out of every experience."

"Always focusing on yourself." He says accusingly and continues "If you're better, wouldn't it help to improve society at large? That's what you SHOULD have said!"

Of course that is the ultimate aim and yes I understand this. That is exactly why Friedrichshof, as a mini society is so good, but Robin is not satisfied. He tries to prove a point. His voice starts to rise; "Who is there for you? You won't have Bill or me or Mr. Weinberg or Ron and Richard may only visit once a year." I tell him I'll have Otto and Theo and Gaert and Claudia and Teresa and Brooke and Franz and so on and so on. We move on to speak of responsibility in relationships, how when the  emotional attachment is real, responsibility comes easy, without thinking, a natural outgrowth of feeling.

I have difficulties meeting my "responsibilities" to Bill, they've become, at times, "obligations". This has not occurred between me and RG or me and Robin. I don't ever think in terms of responsibilities. Robin does. "Respect", "responsibility", "morality", "spirituality", these are Robin's terms. My father uses them in the same way. If pressed I suppose I could prove I get and give respect, act responsibly and morally. It's all relative and depends on who you talk to. Some say I'm disrespectful and amoral. I doubt anyone would say I have spiritual qualities.

Robin refers to our long term affair. He says he has a "mysterious tie" to me, he can't explain it, this need he has for contact with me. If I say sex, it's just sex, he gets angry. I don't mean it exactly. I provoke him. Perhaps it's more true for me than for him.